Video Games

By Patrick S. Baker

Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties (Plumbers) was developed by Kirin Entertainment (no relation to the fine Japanese beer) and released in 1994. It has been variously called an adult-oriented “romantic comedy”, a visual novel, and dating sim, as well as a full motion video game. Whatever the developers’ ambitions for the game were, they were not met. The game actually turned out to be a branching slideshow with strictly limited player interaction.

Plumbers feature John and Jane, who are being pressured by their respective parents to go out and find a spouse. The player’s task is to get John and Jane together.  Set in the fictional city of “New Lost Wages,” a stand-in for Las Vegas, the game is centered on the lives of the two main characters.

John is an unemployed plumber, while Jane is a beautiful and ambitious woman caught in a bizarre love triangle between her rich father and an oddball photographer.  The gameplay consists mainly of making choices at various branching points in the story.

Players must navigate through a range of quirky and inexplicable situations, each filled with absurd and unexpected twists. As the game moves along, the player meets a range of flamboyant characters, including a domineering boss, a sexy secret agent, and a leather-clad dominatrix.

“Flawed on every fundamental level, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is possibly the most unplayable garbage available on the Nintendo Entertainment System.” — Game Informer

By Patrick S. Baker

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Jekyll & Hyde) was a video game developed by Advance Communication Company and released by Bandai for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) in 1988. The game was based on the classic horror novella by Robert Louis Stevenson.

The novella tells the story of the brilliant scientist, Dr. Henry Jekyll, well known for his decency and generosity, but with a hidden and terrible dark side. He creates a potion to separate his dark side from his better self. Instead, the mixture changes him into a cruel and violent man named Mr. Hyde.

Jekyll & Hyde was a unique game for its time, in that it tried to tell a rather complex and subtle story through a video game.

“This game is so bad it makes Superman 64 look like Doom.” — anonymous game reviewer

By Patrick S. Baker

Okay, boys and girls, please have a 55-gallon drum of hand sanitizer ready for this one. Today gentle readers I recount the story of not only one of the worst video games of all time but also one of the foulest and most atrocious video games of all time. And NO, I’m not exaggerating in any way about what a disgusting piece of work this game is.

Custer’s Revenge, also known as Mystique Presents Swedish Erotica: Custer’s Revenge was one of three ‘adult’ video games released November 1982 in a package of video games called Mystique Presents Swedish Erotica. The other two games in the set were Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em and Bachelor Party.

Many sources erroneously report that the games were produced by a game company named Mystique, but in fact is no game company named Mystique. Mystique was the brand name for the line of adult games produced by American Multiple Industries (AMI).

“At least I know where bottom of the ocean is.” 

Sergey Titov, on Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.

By Patrick S. Baker

“Bottom of the ocean” is correct. This 2003 racing game has an aggregate 8 out of 100 score on Metacritic and reportedly a 1 out of 10 on the now-defunct Gamerrankings.com website. Both of these scores are the lowest in history. One reviewer stated that “Big Rigs is so devoid of design, game play, structure, aesthetic or functioning technology that it can’t be called a game at all.”

“This tedious, boring, bland game is joyless and barren of any entertainment value.” ― Unknown

By Patrick S. Baker

No one starts out to fail.  Everyone that has ever begun a project, be it to fix a squeaky door, build a building, or develop a world-class video game, has done so with the expectation that they will succeed.

They expect that the door won’t make noise, the building will not collapse, and the video game will not be Superman: The New Superman Adventures better known as Superman 64.

In 1996, Warner Brothers Animation Studio was developing Superman: The Animated Series for the WB TV network. Eric Caen, co-founder of French game development company, Titus Interactive, heard about the forth coming TV series while visiting Titus’s Los Angeles office and went hard for the game development license.

“How do you make a sequel to a game that covered all of human history?” ~ Brian Reynolds

By Patrick S. Baker

The thunderous success of the original Sid Meier’s Civilization (Civ I) in 1991, today would demand a sequel, and quickly, but back in the dark days of the early 1990s that just wasn’t so. In fact, the game that would become Sid Meier’s Civilization II (Civ II) was the first direct sequel that MicroProse would develop and market.

MicroProse management assigned the sequel development task to Brian Reynolds. Reynolds was no newbie to the game design and development business. He went to work for MicroProse in 1991, developing adventure games like Return of the Phantom. He had also previously collaborated with Sid Meier on Sid Meier’s Colonization. But none of his experience answered the basic question to which he needed a good response: “How do you make a sequel to a game that covered all of human history?”

Reynolds went to the source first, Meier himself. Reynolds later said: “We (he and Meier) sat down and brainstormed about it and hashed out ideas…” but Meier had little else to do with the game which would still bear his name.

The Earth is the cradle of humanity, but mankind cannot stay in the cradle forever — Russian rocket scientist Konstantin Tsiolkovsky

By Patrick S. Baker

After the huge success of both Sid Meier’s Civilization I (1991) and Civilization II (1996), both released by MircoProse, another sequel was inevitable, however, it was not going to be something as prosaic as a third Civilization (although a third Civilization game was developed and released in 2001).

Instead, Sid Meier, chief developer of the first game, and Brian Reynolds, the chief developer of the second game, decided to go for something different, more of a spiritual sequel than a direct one. That something became Sid Meier’s Alpha Centuri.

The various moves and decisions of MicroProse’s and its parent company, Spectrum Holobyte’s, management, which lead to Meier, Reynolds, and Jeff Briggs breaking ties with the companies and forming Firaxis Games in 1996 have been discussed elsewhere. The Firaxis team had left the Civilization Intellectual Property and name with MicroProse, so despite wanting to do another turn-based, “explore, expand, exploit, and exterminate” (4X) strategy game they couldn’t just do another Civilization. Plus, they wanted a fresh focus other than world history.

By Mitch Reed

Years ago, for those who remember my days with WWPD, I did a story on the Giants of the Sky Kickstarter from Ares Games which turned out to be the last release from the company for their Great War flying game called Wings of Glory”. I really liked the game and went “full afterburner” on collecting the many aircraft in the series. Since that 2016 release, the company has been quiet and while I thought they abandoned the series they turned around and released a digital port of their popular tabletop game.

“Just…One…More…Turn…”

– Everyone who has played Civilization

• By Patrick S. Baker

Bill Stealey and Sid Meier co-founded MicroProse in 1982 and over the next few years published several phenomenally successful flight and military simulation games, such as Spitfire Ace, Solo Flight and Red Storm Rising.  Then, in 1987, the company, at Meier’s insistence, shifted into also producing highly successful strategy and adventure games such as Sid Meier’s Pirates!, Sword of the Samurai and Railroad Tycoon.

In 1990, after completing and releasing Railroad Tycoon, Meier and his protégé, Bruce Shelley turned to working, with a distinct lack of enthusiasm, on an espionage adventure game called Covert Action. At this same time, the newly married Meier was also working on another project on his own time, which would eventually become Sid Meier’s Civilization (Civ I).

Various sources report different inspirations for the game: One source says that Civ I came out of Meier’s enduring fascination with SimCity. Meier thought the “so-called software toy” was a “stunning achievement” and thought he could “gamify” it to make the experience more involving.

“Come on, you apes, do you want to live forever?”

—Attributed to an unnamed US Marine Corps gunnery sergeant, 6 June 1918

By Patrick S. Baker

Starship Troopers: Terran Command is a fun and engrossing real-time tactics (RTT) game.  The developers, The Aristocrats, are clearly fans of the 1997 Paul Verhoeven movie and have integrated that film’s “look and feel” without distracting from the actual game play.

Just like in the 1959 Robert A. Heinlein book and the film, humankind is fighting a genocidal war against the Bugs (called the Pseudo-Arachnids in the book), an alien race of giant insect-like creatures.  As the player, you are put in charge of the campaign of 19 scenarios to secure the desert mining planet of Kwalasha from the Bugs.